


The Tragedies of Traveling

by SuperstarMorgan



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 08:43:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17220665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperstarMorgan/pseuds/SuperstarMorgan
Summary: No one ever said that traveling with the Doctor would be easy, but you never expected it to be this hard. You never expected to be traumatized by the things you saw. And you never expected to fall in love with the Doctor.





	The Tragedies of Traveling

**Author's Note:**

> This story is also on my Tumblr if you would rather read it there: https://madboxwithagirl.tumblr.com/post/180842912379/the-tragedies-of-traveling
> 
> Warnings: Angst, crying, trauma, mentions of blood, mentions of death, mentions of homicide, suicidal thoughts

Ever since you were a young child, everyone around you would tell you not to talk to strangers. They would tell you to never get into their vehicles, no matter what offer they had given you. You were told to always let someone know where you were or where you were going when you decide to leave your cozy home. You always listened to and followed every one of those orders. Yet, you threw away every lesson as soon as you met that madman with his magical blue box. The day you met the Doctor was the best day of your life even though you had almost lost it to the robotic men who had nothing better to say than “DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!”

You knew that from the moment you broke that little never-get-into-a-stranger’s-vehicle rule your life was going to change for the better. Up until then, you had lived a simple life in a simple little town. You loved and adored your town, but you also wanted to get out and explore the world and all that it had to offer. What you didn’t know that you wanted, however, was to explore all of those wonderful planets and times that you didn’t know existed. You will never forget the confusion that you had felt when you first walked into the blue box. Your first thought was, naturally, “B-but…How could it possibly be this large? It’s so _small_ on the outside!” You didn’t realize that you had spoken your thoughts at first, but the human-like alien’s laughter made you realize your mistake. When he told you that he could travel anywhere and anywhen you wanted, you were a slight bit shocked, but after seeing a structure that really shouldn’t be able to fit inside a small police box, you accepted it with ease. When he asked you to join him on a trip, you immediately said yes.

You quickly learned that traveling wasn’t as easy as you expected it to be. First off, this incredibly _smart_ man seemed to have many issues trying to pilot his own machine correctly. When he meant to take you to a well known festival on a small little planet, he accidentally traveled to about year in advance. Now this usually wouldn’t be an issue, but the day you arrived at just so happened to be the day when severe civil war broke out. You had seen more bloodshed than you had ever thought was possible in such a short amount of time, and, while you and the Doctor were eventually able to stop the violence, you were terrified. When you finally got back into his blue box—it was called the T.A.R.D.I.S., you had learned—he offered to take you home. Despite your tattered clothing being covered in the blood of the fallen, you declined. You had been so so so terrified, but you just couldn’t force yourself to leave. You continued to find yourself in dangerous situations thanks to the man’s poor driving skills.

Secondly, the Doctor seemed to have a large amount of pain hidden behind his gorgeous brown eyes. He would often try to hide his pain for your sake, but you weren’t fooled. You had been in pain of your own and knew the fake smiles all too well. His bad days would be few and far between, but those few bad days would be difficult on the both of you. The first truly bad day happened a few months after you had started traveling with the man. It had started off normal enough. You had woken up a tad bit early, which was nothing out of the ordinary, and done your typical morning activities before making your way to the T.A.R.D.I.S. console room. As you greeted the Doctor, you saw that he was staring intensely at nothing in particular with tears falling down his cheeks. As he heard your voice his head snapped up, his intense gaze morphing into slight fear. Your eyes widened as you locked eyes, a bit scared by what you saw. The Doctor would be upset sometimes after a bad trip, but he was never this bad. When he opened his mouth to speak you ran and held him close, doing whatever you could to help your friend. That wasn’t the last time you saw him cry.

Thirdly, and this is what you considered the most difficult of setbacks, you were in love with the Time Lord. It was true that when you first laid eyes on him you saw him as incredibly attractive. His hair constantly looked like hands had been running through it (Sex Hair, as you had dubbed it), his eyes were a shade of brown that you found to be strikingly similar to a piece of chocolate, and he had a smile that made you _have_ to smile back simply because it was so gorgeous.

So, yes, you found him to be a beautiful alien man. But as the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years, you realized you were deeply, wonderfully, _painfully_ in love with the Doctor. You loved his desire to help those he didn’t even know. You loved his fire and his will to continue on even when the most reasonable solution is to give up. You loved how he would give everyone a second chance, even though most never seemed to take him up on his offer. But what you found that you loved the most about the madman was how he took care of you. When you were hurt, he would drop everything and tend to your needs. If you needed to vent or simply just let your mind be free, he would grab you your favorite drink or snack and listen. He would read you books when you were sick, wipe your tears when you cried, and keep you company on the nights when you couldn’t sleep. You were in love with your best friend.

And it all _hurt_.

The death and bloodshed would keep you up at night, you felt that you were of no help to the Doctor when he was breaking, and you were breaking from being secretly in love with him. Your thoughts were becoming darker and darker by the day as you fell into a depression and began to distance yourself from the man you loved. The years went on and none of it seemed to get better. The Doctor would often try to figure out what was causing the sad eyes and sleepless nights, but he simply couldn’t. Whenever he tried to ask, you would say that you just weren’t feeling well or that you were tired from the previous trip. The Doctor didn’t believe these lies, but he wouldn’t push you to talk. He would simply cross his arms and sigh before making his way back to the console room. He wasn’t annoyed with you by any means, but with himself. He thought that perhaps he did something wrong and that you didn’t know how to tell him that you were angry with him. Or maybe you were getting sick of him and his days of pain and sadness. His brain would come up with many rational—and irrational—reasons as to why you don’t want to spend time with him. Eventually he would come up with an explanation that hurt him more than any other and the more he thought about it, the more he believed it.

He began to believe that maybe you didn’t want to be on the T.A.R.D.I.S. with him anymore.

His hearts would ache at the thought of you wanting to leave him. Just as you loved him, the Doctor loved you too. You had stayed with him through so many years, through so many things, from failing to save lives to holding him close and rubbing his back after he spoke of the horrors of what he did to Gallifrey. But despite that, you had started to show aversion to being around him and visiting new places. He didn’t know what had caused it, but he couldn’t stand to see you in pain. He needed to find out the truth even if it broke his hearts.

___

You were laying in your bed in the special bedroom that the T.A.R.D.I.S. had made for you. You stared at the star-covered ceiling, looking at your favorite constellations twinkling while you thought of all of the reasons why this amazing adventure turned into an angsty burden on your heart and mind. Soon enough the self-hating thoughts made their way back to you.

_Why did he ever let me join him? I’m nothing more than a burden._

__

__

_He’s always so annoyed with me, like he’s tired of me._

_He’s going to kick me out, I just know it._

_I should leave before he gets the chance to send me away._

_Maybe I should just die_.

You shivered at the final thought, but you were starting to become desperate. You knew that you could never live a normal life again back in that small town when the past five years had made it so the entire universe was your oyster. You’d be forced to work at a job that you didn’t want to work at, be around people you didn’t want to be around, live a life that you didn’t want to live. The thought of taking your own life had made its way into your troubled mind many times in the recent years, but they became more prominent during the past year. You used to be good at ignoring the idea, more so when it became a common thought, but it eventually weighed on you too much and it shattered you. You found yourself with a few choices: continue to live on the T.A.R.D.I.S. with the Time Lord but be miserable, leave the Doctor and be miserable, leave and die, or stay and die.

_If I stay_ , you thought, _I would still be hurting, but at least I’d be near him until he eventually sends me away forever. But if I go now, I wouldn’t get to see him ever again. I could leave and end my life when he kicks me out, or I could die here in the place I love most. But then he would find me afterwards and I just don’t want him to see more death_.

Tears began to well up in your eyes, blurring your view of the brightly burning stars. The options were overwhelming you and you really had no idea what to do. You wanted to stay with all your heart, but you knew that one day, perhaps soon, you would have to leave. Whether you were going to leave on your own terms or his, however, was the question. Before you could overthink any longer, you heard a knock and the familiar voice of the man who swept you away.

“I know that you’re awake. May I come in?” Your heart began to race, the seriousness of his voice scaring you. Why was his voice so serious? Did you do something wrong? What did you do wrong? You must have done something wrong. You took a deep breath and tried to blink away the tears before giving the Doctor permission to enter. As he come in and sat in front of you, you saw that he had both a sad and serious look on his face and your heart began to beat even faster. You sat up and tried to make yourself look as cheerful as possible before speaking once more.

“Hey Doctor! I’m so sorry that I haven’t been out to the console room for a few days. I’ve been getting some reading done on some of the books I bought from—“

“Why do you keep lying to me?” You could have sworn you felt your fast-beating heart stop before it sped up even more.

“W-what? I don’t know what you’re talking abo—“

“Why are you avoiding me, love? Did I do something wrong? Because I can fix it. I just need you to let me know. Did something happen that I didn’t know about? Did you get hurt on an adventure? Are you sick? D-do,” the Doctor took a shaky breath before making himself ask, “Do you want to leave the T.A.R.D.I.S.? Do you want to go home?” Upon hearing him wondering if _he_ was cause of your isolation, the tears that you had managed to keep at bay started to run down your face silently. Hearing him call you _love_ made more tears chase after the first. Hearing him express concern for your well being caused your face to contort as you tried to stop the chase. And when you heard him ask if you wanted to leave you let out a soft cry and tried to hide the shame on your face. Upon seeing you try to hide away, the Doctor pulled you close and held you as tightly as he could. Your ear was placed on his chest and you heard his twin hearts beating wildly.

“Oh darling, please tell me what’s troubling you. You can tell me anything, you know that? It doesn’t matter what it is. It can be silly human things or big space things. It can be about me, you, Jack, anybody. I just need to know. I need to help you. I _have_ to help you.” The last one was more to him than to you. Of course he wanted to help you, but he could never live with himself if he didn’t do what was best for you. He needed you to be happy, to be cared for, to be _alright_.

As he spoke and you began sobbing, you wrapped your arms around the Doctor and held onto him as strongly as you possibly could. You didn’t want him to go away. You didn’t want to lose him. As you continued to sob, the Doctor continued to speak, his voice beginning to waver.

“I don’t know what caused this, and I don’t know why you won’t tell me. You weren’t always like this. You were so happy to get out and go on a new adventure with me. But then you just started to avoid me.” He himself started to have falling tears with more sliding down his cheeks. They all landed in your hair. “I’ve been trying to figure out for ages as to why you don’t want to continue going out and traveling with me. I…The only thing I can think of is that you just don’t want to be around me. And that you want to leave me.” He let out a cry as he finished his sentence. He let out a quivering breath and continued. “I…I understand if you want to leave. I won’t stop you. Just please, if you’re going to leave, tell me _why_. I need to know.” The Doctor stopped speaking as he too began to cry.

Your heart hurt. It hurt with every beat, and it was beating far faster than it should have. You had caused the Doctor so much pain, but worse than that you made had him believe that _he_ was the cause of your sorrows. Yes, your undying love for him was part of it, but that was in no way his doing. It wasn’t his fault that he was such an incredible creature. It wasn’t his fault that you were suffering from the trauma of traveling. He would never intentionally bring you to a place where you would be hurt in any capacity. And it certainly wasn’t his fault that he, too, was suffering. He was a victim of circumstance, just like you. None of it was his fault, and he needed to know that.

You gently pulled away from him, his arms refusing to let go for a moment or two before giving in to your desires. He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see your face when you inevitably told him that it was because of him that you have been so distant lately. You brought a hand up to his cheek and wiped away his tears, a sad smile on your face.

“Oh Doctor, I…” You stopped. You couldn’t say that you didn’t want to be around him, because that wasn’t exactly true. You wanted to be around him, but at the same time you wanted to be as far away from him as possible. You couldn’t say that you didn’t want to stop traveling with him. The thought had crossed your mind a number of times. You didn’t want to lie to him, but you couldn’t be truthful either.

You dropped your hand from his cheek, opting instead to hold his hands in your own. They instantly turned so they could hold yours in return. You took a deep breath and willed yourself to continue, staring at your intertwined hands instead of his face.

“It’s…complicated. I love traveling with you. I really, truly do. But the violence, the-the bloodshed,” you took a shuddering breath, “is so horrifying. I go to sleep at night and all I see is the blood. All I hear are the screams. It’s tearing me apart.” You squeaked out the last word, trying hard not to sob once again. You felt the Doctor’s hands squeeze your own in an attempt to sooth you. It urged you to continue on. “No matter what I do, I can’t make it all go away. Trip after trip, I watch so many beings die, beings that should have had more time. I keep thinking about their friends and families, the ones that miss them more than anything. And how there was nothing we could do to stop the carnage.” You closed your eyes tightly, trying to keep the tears from falling.

“And you…” You heard him take a deep breath, ready for you to tell him exactly what he had done wrong. “You are…amazing.” His eyes snapped open at your words. That wasn’t what he was expecting at all. “You are so magnificent. Everyday, I find myself amazed by how wonderful you are. You are beyond smart, even though you show it in such _strange_ ways.” You chuckled softly, thinking of all the silly little names he’d give intricate concepts or inventions. “You’re beautiful in every sense of the word. You’re the most beautiful being I’ve ever met. But…” The Doctor braced himself. This was it. This was where it all ended for the two of you.

“I…You’re _too_ wonderful, Doctor. No creature compares to you. Not one. I can never go back to living a normal, human life. I’ve spent so long on this ship, seen so many lovely things, met so many phenomenal people. When the trips are good, they’re incredible. I love it when you take me to your favorite places in the universe because I get to know a bit more about what makes you tick. I love it when you tell me facts about these places, peoples, histories. You whisk me away to places you know I’ll adore. You take care of me when I’m not feeling one hundred percent. You make sure that I’m well taken care of. You’ve trusted me with your darkest secrets, let me help you when you felt helpless. Doctor, this…I’ve fallen in love with this life. I’ve fallen in love with-“ You cut yourself off. You weren’t ready to say those specific words in that specific order, but you knew that this was the only chance you’d get. So you took it.

“I’ve fallen in love with _you_. Everything you are, I love. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I don’t think I can ever love anyone again, not the way that I’ve loved you. You’ve ruined me, Doctor, and you’re not even mine. You’re not even mine…” You separated your hands from the Doctor’s, covering your mouth with your hands as you let out a new set of sobs. You had no idea what exactly was coming next, but you knew that this was the end of the road for you and the Doctor. You waited for him to tell you that it was best that you leave, that he didn’t reciprocate your feelings.

You gasped as you felt strong arms pull you back in. You felt his lips leaving rough kisses on the top of your head. You felt his breath tickle your scalp every time he pulled away. And you felt your heart burst as you heard him say the words you’d been dying to hear for so long.

“My darling, I love you. Oh, how much I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time you saw me cry. I knew, oh I knew that I’d never find another as compassionate and forgiving as you. Even after I told you of Gallifrey, of all of the the horrible things that I have done, you stayed right here by my side. How could I not fall in love with you?” More tears fell from his eyes and yours, but this time out of joy and relief. You loved the Doctor. The Doctor loved you too.

You wrapped your arms around his body, somehow pulling him closer. You both fell back on the bed, simply laying in each other’s arms as you took in the moment. Your happy cries turned into joyous laughter, your joyous laughter turned into content chuckles, and your content chuckles turned into lovesick giggles. You pulled away to look into his eyes, his own staring back at you. You let your forehead rest against his, soft smiles on both of your faces.

“I love you,” you whispered, so soft that he almost hadn’t heard it. His hand found its way to your cheek, his thumb rubbing softly along your skin. He pulled back slightly only to come back and kiss your lips. He was slow and gentle, trying not to break the magic of the moment. A hand of your own slowly made its way to the back of his head as you mimicked his movements, loving every second of his kind touch. He eventually pulled away, his breath wisping against your lips.

“I love you too, my dear,” he said softly before leaving a soft kiss on your cheek. He pulled you back to him, one hand rubbing your back while the other held your head to his chest. You listened to his hearts beat in a steady rhythm, a stark contrast from earlier. Exhaustion from the day’s events began to creep on you, his heartbeats lulling you to sleep. Before you could enter a peaceful sleep, however, the Doctor started to speak softly.

“Sweetheart?” he asked, making sure you were awake before he went on. You nodded and hummed softly in response. “I know what it’s like to be mortified by the awful things in the universe.” You lifted your head up and looked at him. He was staring at the ceiling, the stars reflecting in his beautiful eyes. “I’ve seen terrible things. Committed horrible crimes. You already know that. They will never leave me, those memories.” He glanced down at you before continuing. “But I’ve learned how to cope. Had I not, they would have eaten me alive, much like they’re doing to you now.” You looked away, embarrassed that you did not hold the same resolve as he did. A hand gently caressed your cheek and forced you to look back up at the Doctor, his old eyes full of love and adoration. “Darling, if you will allow me to, I want to help. We can find someone who will help you learn to cope as well. If…” He gulped before continuing. “If going home and no longer traveling with me would be better, I will—“ He was cut off by your lips on his. While your first kiss had been sweet and full of love, this one was rough and full of desperation. Your hands quickly grabbed onto his hair while his arms wound around you tightly, terrified to let each other go. You were both panting when you pulled away, eyes wild and hearts beating quickly.

“I don’t want to leave you. I never want to leave you. I want to spend my life right here, with you, in the T.A.R.D.I.S., exploring the universe.” His signature smile appeared at this, causing you to smile right back. No words needed to be exchanged. You knew you could stay. You readjusted yourselves so that you were both under the warm sheets. Your head went back to his chest as his arms fell around you once again. Cozy and content, you closed your eyes and allowed yourself to finally rest. As you fell into a dreamless sleep, you felt his lips on your temple and heard him whisper softly.

“We’ll get through this, together.”

**Author's Note:**

> As always, any and all feedback is highly appreciated!


End file.
